nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found puke in my bra..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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