I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
