if only i could text you this smell
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
