Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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