just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
