The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
