I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Randomize
