I look better un-naked...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize