I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I forget how to act sober
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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