he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
