I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
