I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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