my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
