somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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