Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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