I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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