I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
