I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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