The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
