my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
