all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize