even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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