Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
