thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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