He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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