In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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