maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
