I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
