Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
