Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
