I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize