You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I deserve this hangover.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
