hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
