On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
