Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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