I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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