Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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