After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
