the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
