she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
