I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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