Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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