My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Small penises have feelings too.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
