i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
