I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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