Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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