Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
