I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
