Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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