What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
