So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
