I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Alive.
So much puke
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
