i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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