apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
