just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
