sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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