You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
