Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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