Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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