My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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