i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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