my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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