Your face is a jimmy john
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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