Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
